Jersey Shore Recap: She's Finally Outta Here!!!

This week's Jersey Shore marked the departure of Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. A permanent exist, we think - and hope - after the fight to end all fights.
As much as we aren't sorry to see her go, we'll give her this much - she went out in style after a blowout with Ronnie Magro that exceeded even their standards.
This comprised most of the memorable Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from the episode, as we've broken down, as always, in our trademark +/- recap below:

BOILING POINT: Ron wants Sam's stuff out of here ... with her on top of it.

Ronnie confronts The Situation for violating guy code. Funny how, like Sammi pointing the finger at JWoww and Snooki, they always blame others. Minus 5.

Able to see the big picture (take note, Ron), Sitch "takes the high road" and apologize to ensure it doesn't end in a brawl. Plus 4 for his surprising maturity.

He hits the boardwalk to cool off, unaware that Sammi is also heading there with Deena, who "loves single Sammi!" Who loves anything Sammi!? Minus 6.

Sam tells Ron that she's "never been so hurt" in her entire life as she was in Miami. Ron politely tells her he's done paying for that and to suck it. Plus 8.

"I'm going to go out there and find the hottest guy in this bar and get Ron back for talking to a girl," says Sam. Minus 5 for sounding like a petulant, whiny b!tch and Minus 12 for the fact that the "hottest guy" may be a homeless man.

Plus 11 for JWoww's porn star getup here:

SEXY JWOWW: Snooki likely isn't the only one with wood.

Snooki: "Jenni looks so hot. Like porn star hot. If Roger wasn't here then I would probably have sex with her." Snooki may actually be a man. Plus 8.

She actually asks if she can watch, too. Gross. Minus 5.

Roger sums it up nicely: "Awright, let's go push." Plus 9.

Ronnie: "What I did in Miami, at least I had enough respect for you to do it when you're not around." He's right, that totally makes it better. Minus 6.

Pauly notes that Ronnie has kind of a temper. That's like saying Pauly has kind of awesome hair or The Situation kind of has a six pack. Plus 9.

Things boil over between Ronnie and Sammi to the point where they both have to be physically restrained. Minus 5, because this is just getting sad.

Until Ronnie starts TRASHING HER STUFF and threatening to start boning up a storm with girls in the smash room. Now that's more like it. Plus 27.

Minus 20, though, for Ron being borderline abusive. Entertaining as the show is, no matter what a girl puts you through, nothing excuses this rage.

Extra Minus 9 for Snooki's bed/stairway/Vinny schlong analogy, too.

SAYING GOODBYE: It's been real, Sam. Please don't come back.

Sitch: "This was probably the worst fight I've ever seen. Like a five-car crash; horrible, but you can't keep your eyes off it. Plus 15, 'cause it's true.

Minus 9 for this metaphor by MTV: "Everything is destroyed of mine," she says. "Everything is broken and ruined." Her emotions AND her stuff! Get it??!

The roommates hug it out as Sammi departs. We're actually a little bit sad saying farewell to one of the original cast members. Minus 7. Okay, that's over.

Pauly at least hollered "Cab's Here!" in honor of her exit. Plus 8.

Ronnie: "I miss her and I love her and I definitely regret all the negative $h!t I've ever done. Definitely more now than ever." Aww. But WE don't! Plus 9.

Happy Birthday, Jennifer Aniston!

Jennifer Aniston is lonely and goes through enough inner turmoil on a daily basis. We don't need her feeling left out and pathetic on her 42nd birthday, too!

We're kidding. Mostly. Jen swears she's happy, despite what you may have heard, and we believe it. She's single, yes, but what's not to love about her life?
She parlayed her success from Friends into a long, absurdly lucrative career of bad romantic comedies. Not a not to complain about ... except Brangelina.
We're sure rumors of a reconciliation/love child with Brad or playing mind games with Ange will surface soon. For today, let's just stick to the positives.
Click to enlarge some Jennifer Aniston pictures below and share your birthday greetings for the 41 42-year-old by leaving a comment below ...

Tonya Harding and Joseph Price: Expecting!

Tonya Harding is going to be a mom. We're already praying for that kid.
The former figure skating champ, felon and amateur porn star and her husband, Joseph Price, are expecting “any time,” the 40-year-old confirms.
Tonya's pregnant with a boy and “super excited.” This should end well.

PICTURE OF HAPPINESS: In other news, Joe Price agreed to marry Tonya Harding at some point last year. Crazy world! Just watch your knees, dude ...

Lindsay Lohan White Dress Sells Out After Sexiest Arraignment Ever

Want to dress like an accused jewel thief?
You don't need an orange jumpsuit, although Lindsay Lohan may be donning one of those soon enough. A tight white dress she wore to her Wednesday arraignment on grand theft charges has become the talk of the celebrity fashion world.
It's also sold out at online retailers. God bless America!

MAKING A STATEMENT: We don't mean her not guilty plea, either. Lindsay Lohan pictures from court this week? Not un-hot! [Photos: Pacific Coast News]

While we don't recommend it at your next arraignment, the "Glavis" dress, by Kimberly Ovitz, retails for $575 and is from the designer's pre-fall collection.
Lohan's choice of white was inspired, she says, to represent her innocence. Deep. It also made it her stand out in all the outside-the-courthouse mayhem.
Some are claiming Lohan was paid to wear the dress to give Ovitz some exposure and a jump in sales. If so, she may or may not have stolen that too.

To Whom is Ellen DeGeneres Related?

We've always know that Ellen DeGeneres was comedic royalty.
But it turns out the former American Idol host actually has some soon-to-be royal blood inside of her.
Ellen revealed on her talk show yesterday that she received a letter from the New England Genealogical society and it told her she was a 15th cousin of Prince William's fiancee, Kate Middleton. Who knew?!?

Joked the comedian:

"I'm definitely invited to the wedding now... Let me know if you need me to plan the bachelorette party. Because I found some straws that are shaped like... well, never mind."

Rihanna Wants Contact With Chris Brown

Rihanna is cool with Chris Brown being in contact with her again.
Let's be clear in that it's unclear just how much contact they plan on having. But her lawyer says she would like the restraining order against Brown lifted, which would enable him to get close to her again without risking getting thrown in jail.
Whatever the motivation, she's come a long way since 2009.

Brown requested the court drop the restraining order recently.

Rihanna's attorney Donald Etra says she "does not object" to reducing it to a "do not annoy" order, allowing contact as long as Chris doesn't harass/molest her.
Chris initially asked for the reduction, but the court needed to know how Rihanna felt before ruling. The order has not been changed yet, but it could be soon.
Again, this could be as simple as her doing him a favor. The No Contact Order being in place puts him at risk of prosecution. But you have to wonder.
Might they rekindle the romance, or at least friendship, in the future?

Christina Aguilera: Pretty Much Divorced

Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLV and may have an obvious drinking problem. But she did receive a piece of good news this week.
She and Jordan Bratman reached a divorce settlement that was filed in court, and better yet, dude finally moved out of her house. He was still living in that piece!
Jordan, Christina and her new boyfriend Matt Rutler were all living under the same roof, along with their son Max. That's not awkward at all, and explains a lot.

Christina and Jordan separated in October. [Photo: Pacific Coast News]

Sources say they will share joint custody of Max, although the legal papers don't specify the terms of custody. As far as their assets, the couple had a prenup.
Reports say that Bratman will receive more than required by the prenup in the settlement, although the exact amount is unclear. As for what Xtina received?
Jordan moving out is a start. The divorce won't be final until six months from the date it was originally filed, so on April 15, she's legally a single woman.
Well, she's still dating Matt. But you get the idea.

Lindsay Lohan Tweets: I Would Never Steal!

One day after pleading not guilty to felony theft, Lindsay Lohan, who wore a white dress to court to symbolize her innocence, wants to make this clear:
"I would never steal, in case people are wondering," she wrote in a Facebook message, also posted on Twitter. "I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal."
Well, that settles that. We're convinced. You? Okay, case closed!

A LOL-tastic statement for several reasons, most notably the fact that she is, through no fault of her own, one of the more poorly-raised humans ever.
Michael Lohan was even investigated for insider trading and did time in prison for contempt of court. Lying, cheating and stealing? Not a big stretch.
Shady parents aside, note how she didn't just say "I did not steal that necklace" rather than "I would never steal ... " or "I was not raised ..." Telling.
Lindsay's white dress was also the subject of a Tweet from the star: "what I wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it's absurd," she said.
Excuse us for complementing how fine you looked girlfriend. Yowza!

Spencer Grammer and James Hesketh: Married!

Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh were at City Hall for a wedding today.
Even though his divorce from Camille Grammer cleared the way for their nuptials, they weren't the ones getting married, however. Kelsey's daughter was!
Spencer Grammer, 27, wed James Hesketh in New York City Friday, the actor's rep confirms, along with the fact that Kelsey and Kayte were in attendance.

Spencer Grammer and James Hesketh, Kelsey's new son-in-law!

The daughter of Kelsey and his first wife Doreen Alderman, Spencer stars on the ABC Family series Greek. She has two half-sisters and one half-brother.
Kelsey, 55, plays to marry Walsh, 29, this month, also in New York.