Natalie Portman is wonderful in Venice

Natalie Portman is starring in a new film called The Black Swan, which is directed by Darren Aronofsky, the man who made The Wrestler, which is a really quite amazing film starring Mickey Rourke. Natalie is at The Venice Film Festival promoting the film, and she looks so lovely that our eyes have got all over-excited at suddenly realising what they were invented for. She is actually the greatest thing in the whole world.

Natalie Portman promoting The Black Swan at the Venice Film Festival

The Black Swan initially sounds kind of boring. It's about a ballet dancer who finds her supremacy challenged by a new dancer. The rivalry causes her to go a bit bonkers and start having paranoid thoughts that this new girl wants to get her. See, why would you go and see that? But the trailer is genuinely insane, in a good way. It might be a bit artsy for some, but we think it looks potentially great. Have a watch.
For a long time we thought that maybe if we ever met Natalie Portman we'd get on so well and have so much in common that she'd fall head-over-heels for us and we'd live a life a bit like the film Notting Hill, but with fewer braying, eccentric peripheral friends, 100% less Hugh Grant and no Ronan Keating on the soundtrack. Then we interviewed her, twice, and she treated us like we were just another journalist. That was pretty cold, Natalie. That was not the plan.












Yeah, walk away, Natalie. You go and live your incredible Hollywood life and we'll just go and sit on our own in our flat and eat baked beans out of a tin, while crying. You win.

Julianne Moore naked with lion cubs for Bulgari

Julianne Moore has loads of freckles and sort of looks like what Lindsay Lohan might look like when she’s 49 if she starts eating loads of vegetables. Freckles, by the way, are great. They look like they should smell of something or feel like something or taste like something but they just sort of hang out on skin minding their own business completely invisible to all of the senses except sight. Next time someone asks you: “Would you rather be deaf or blind?” you should say: “Deaf, because it sure would suck if I never got to see freckles again.”

So Julianne Moore and her freckles are naked with lion cubs for a campaign for some people called Bulgari which has been banned in Venice because people in Venice hate fun and would much rather just float around on boats and eat big bowls of pasts. To be fair, that sounds amazing. If it was us we’d ask for spaghetti carbonara, but made properly. No milk or cream or any of that bollocks. Just fry some pancetta or bacon in a pan until it’s crispy and put some spaghetti on the boil. When they’re both ready, drain the spaghetti and add the pancetta. Then crack in two eggs and add a whole shit ton of parmesan and stir gently until there’s a thin layer of delicious cheesy sauce thinly spread all over the spaghetti. The problem with England is we don’t make the pasta the star of the dish, instead choosing to drown it in sauce. It’s no good. Italians don’t dig it. They like less sauce and more pasta. It’s better that way. Balanced.

Natalie Portman: still in Venice; still perfect

The 'Natalie Portman is in Venice and eye-wateringly gorgeous' story continues to develop. She's been at another event. And looked wonderful. We are staying on top of this story until it plays out. Earlier today, eyewitnesses – or, at least, the photo agency Rex Pictures – reported seeing Ms Portman at the premiere of her new film Black Swan. She looked basically exactly like this.


If you were to make up the best woman in the whole world she would probably look like Natalie Portman. If she didn't look exactly like Natalie Portman then you probably didn't understand the question and should really learn to listen more closely.
















At the same premiere, movie director Quentin Tarantino turned up and stood like this, making this face.

Kelly Osbourne does burlesque

Professional daughter Kelly Osbourne used to be really, really awful. When she first appeared on telly as part of the famous reality TV shows The Osbournes, she was obnoxious and spoilt. Then she grew up now she is dead glamorous, no slobbing about in tracksuit bottoms anymore as the The 25-year-old star wore performed with the Pussycat Dolls and some possibly not actual sailors. Kelly had arrived at the venue wearing a sexy outfit of a sparkly bra, black PVC corset, fishnets, tiny hotpants and silver shoes. Before her performance, Kelly told her fans which songs she would be singing, writing in her Closer magazine column: 'It’s going to be me, Carmen Electra, Mya and some of the other Dolls singing and dancing. 'I’m doing a song called 13 Men as well as Big Spender. 'It’s the first time I’ve really danced since filming Dancing with the Stars, but it’s so different. 'This isn’t stiff ballroom - it’s slinky and sexy!' It certainly is. And so is she.Unlike her old man, who is neither slinky or sexy. But he is responsible for the song Iron Man by his old outfit Black Sabbath. Cracking lyrics. Our favourites are “Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all, Or if he moves will he fall? Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts within his head? We'll just pass him there why should we even care? He was turned to steel in the great magnetic field When he travelled time for the future of mankind”

Jessica Alba is working Venice too

As we all know, Natalie Portman has been making the Venice Film Festival her bitch for the past few days, going about looking lovely while promoting her new film Black Swan – you should probably take a look at pictures of her doing that. Well, Jessica Alba is all, 'Oh no girlfriend, you ain't the only one in this town' *finger snap; head wobble* and was out last night for the premiere of her new film Machete. Oh yeah, Natalie, take this.
Jessica Alba at the Machete premiere in Venice

The question is, who is the more beautiful of the two. Is it Jessica, with her lovely lovely face and dress that makes it look like her bum's wearing a cape?Or is it Natalie and her lovely lovely face and lovely lovely lovely lovely?



We'll be honest. We can't call this one. We asked our intern Laurence to make a decision. He couldn't. So we said that if he didn't make a decision right now we would throw this cat against a wall and cause it some considerable, but probably not long-lasting, discomfort*.



He still couldn't make a decision. Then the skin melted right off his face. Really, it was a bad time. We've had to send him home.

*Please note, the cat was ultimately not harmed. He just had a lovely sleep and then stared at nothing for ages before jumping suddenly really high in the air. We think he was trying to freak us out as revenge. Silly cat.

Goodbye, Cheryl Cole. Hellllo, Cheryl Tweedy

Earlier today, the divorce of Cheryl and Ashley Cole was finalised. Cheryl was fairly non-committal about the whole thing:

“Thank God the nightmare is over.”

Say what you really think, Chezza.
We don’t want to rake over the horrible, gritty details of the whole sordid affair; that’s not really our style. Instead, let’s revel in the glory of Cheryl Tweedy.

Cheryl first burst onto the scene in 2002 when she appeared on Popstars: The Rivals and became a member of Girls Aloud. They turned out to be fairly successful, having twenty consecutive top ten singles, two number one albums, five Brit nominations and making loadsa money. We always preferred One True Voice, really.

We imagine Cheryl doesn't wear that dress much anymore.

What a difference eight years makes, eh? Look, they've become more attractive and learnt how to hold their arms parallel to the floor.Cheryl hasn't always been the princess royal of all that is lovely and wonderful and perfect that she is today. In 2003 she was the kind of girl you would have been reticent about taking home to meet your mum. Particularly if your mum was black and worked in a toilet selling lollies for a pound.

Carmen Electra is a stripper

Some of our younger readers might not be aware of 38-year-old Carmen Electra, but for a lot of us, she was a key part of our childhoods. And thankfully she’s back, and dressed like a harlot from the the Moulin Rouge as she performed onstage with the Pussy Cat Dolls in LA recently. She’s a classy chick and hasn’t lost any of her charm. She’s made her career out of maintaining her impressive figure and has released a series of work out videos, one which revolves around the art of stripping. But like a late night programme on VH1, let’s rewind the clock to her glory daysShe first came to our attention in Baywatch as a replacement for Pamela Anderson and has been in aour hearts and on our screens ever since. Some of her highlights have included The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven, My Boss’s Daughter, Max Havoc: Curse of the Dragon and the seminal piece of sci-fi The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human, which surely ranks alongside Andrei Tarkovsky’s Solaris. The film stars David Hyde Pierce and see’s Pierce, playing an alien (credited as infinity-cubed in the opening credits), who narrates a courtship in a late-20th century American city as an extraterrestrial nature documentary. The relationship "footage" is played straight, while the voice-over (with its most often wildly inaccurate theories) and elaborate visual metaphors add comedy. Among the themes explored is the possibility that, when describing their interpretation of other species' acts and feelings, humans may be getting everything wrong. It’s pretty deep stuff and has rightly been consigned to car boot sales the world over to avoid anyone watching it and questioning their own place in humanity.

Ashley Greene's boobs in Paris with Miley Cyrus

Ashley Greene is in Paris filming her new film LOL: Laughing Out Loud, with Miley Cyrus - yep some hip movie executives were definitely switched 'on' when they came up with that one. Well, yesterday we told you how soaking wet she got with Miley Cyrus in a fountain. But these pictures tell a whole different story, mainly that Ashley Greene and Miley Cyrus were dry.

We must say, Ashley Greene's cleavage looked a bit bloody excellent and even though most of these pictures are quite similar, we think they look better in every one. Unfortunately, we don't look better with every picture that's taken of us, in fact it's quite the opposite. We're almost like Dorian Grey in that each image slowly chips away at us, leaving an ever increasing pot belly and a mounting stench. Luckily, pictures don't tend to show how bad someone smells, unfortunately the looks of revulsion from the people standing next to you do.

Anyway, enough about how disgusting we are, let's talk about Ashley's breasts:



We're not sure where Ashley was heading when this picture was taken, maybe she wasn't heading anywhere at all. Perhaps she was doing an impression of someone walking like one of those cack mime artists you get in Paris. Well done Ashley, yeah, it looks just like you're walking somewhere - have a euro.

We're not sure if this man is French, considering this image is from what looks like a cropped cast photo, he probably isn't. But he does look a little French doesn't he? Perhaps it's the ominous lean over the shoulder, the floppy hair or just the smug look? Yeah, it's probably the smug look.


















We don't know who the blonde woman on the end is, or why Miley Cyrus looks so confused, but Ashley Greene looks like she's noticed something...



Yeah, she's definitely noticed something, the other two have barely moved, but there is a definite change of expression from Ashley Greene. Lord knows why, but it meant we notched up the number of pictures in the article, so who cares?




Ahh look, Ashley has got Miley in on her walking act now. Well done girls.



And now they're pretending to have a conversation, in which Miley Cyrus is covering her heart to appear sincere, whilst Ashley fiddles with her ear to emphasise that she is listening. Isn't friendship nice eh?

Kara Tointon starts Strictly Come Dancing

Britain’s ‘Sexiest Actress’ Kara Tointon turned up at BBC HQ yesterday for the launch show of Strictly Come Dancing. She was sweating from both armpits, but it was significantly more noticeable on the left side because that’s the way her blue dress was cut. The former Eastenders star, who in that glorious summer of 2009 revealed to FHM that she used to shove chicken fillets down her front to play busty Dawn Swann, stole the headlines from fellow contestants Tina O’Brien, Michelle Williams, Patsy Kensit, Pamela Stephenson, Felicity Kendall and the Right Honourable Anne Widdecombe.Kara’s evidently been working hard in the gym in preparation for filming. Imagine that. Imagine being the man stood behind the cross trainer operated by the woman who knows that very soon the entire nation will see the curvature of her buttocks in HD. Then imagine Kara Tointon in lingerie. Then look at these pictures of Kara Tointon in lingerie. Wahey! Didn’t we do well. Yes, we did. That’s what we do here – excellent stuff. Er, look! Kara Tointon being busty in Eastenders!

Nadine Coyle’s new single

25-year-old Nadine Coyle is all grown up and going it alone, at least for her first single ‘Insatiable’ she is. Is she jealous of band mate Cheryl’s success? Well, y’know, to be fair who wouldn’t. We’re not going to vilify the girl just for wanting to emulate her mate’s success. So yes, she’s had some new photo’s taken that show off her delightful bum, filmed a shiny, shiny video. The Derry born singer said in a Tweet this morning that she will be performing the single, and some other tracks from the album, at London's G-A-Y on Saturday 30th October. She wrote 'Soooo excited to be performing new songs for the first time at G-A-Y... Halloween weekend it's going to be madness…see you there! woohoo.'
Remember when Girls Aloud covered ‘I’ll Stand By You’ by The Pretenders? Great times. We liked the bit where it goes, “Oh, Why You Look So Sad? Tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now Don’t be ashamed to cry Let me see you through ’cause I’ve seen the dark side too When the night falls on you You don’t know what to do Nothing you confess Could make me love you less I’ll stand by you I’ll stand by you Won’t let nobody hurt you I’ll stand by you.” Ahh, good times.

Bar Refaeli's nipples want to say hello

Bar Rafaeli has a very silly first name and a nearly unpronounceable last name. This might sound harsh, but honestly she could easily be mistaken for a nightclub rather than a supermodel.
But we can easily forgive, we are very nice like that, we've known people with sillier names, like Richard Head, Nick Waghorn and one lad called Duncan Peni. No prizes for guessing what the secondary school comedic geniuses turned that in to.
Today, Bar Rafaeli was decked out in a tight green top, with some rather overt nipple erection too. Was it on purpose? Did it just happen that whilst being photographed her nipples were conveniently on parade? Or perhaps the photographer cranked up the air conditioning. Who knows? But more importantly, who cares? Either way, it makes for an excellent job. Well done photographer, well done Bar Refaeli and more importantly, well done to nipples.
Give yourself a pat on the back if you have nipples, if you have more than two, then give yourself a little round of applause too. If someone asks what you're doing and you don't want to reveal your secret nubbin, then just say you were trying to enthusiacstically kill a moth.

So here are the pictures:

Scarlett Johansson in new Mango Adverts

Do not adjust your computers, what you are about to read is entirely accurate. Scarlett Johansson is 25-years-old. Just 25, a mere quarter century. The New York born beauty is phenomenally successful. Her movie career allows her to kill time doing things like these Mango adverts, where she looks really, really pretty. They’re the kind of photos that make you want to smell them just so you can find out what Ryan Reynolds wakes up to every morning. Okay we’re getting odd now, but that’s the kind of fervour ScarJo creates. Her combination of actual acting chops and famously hour-glass figure mean that she’s sought after by just about everyone. Directors and ad men fall at her perfectly manicured feet in bid to pursued her to act or model for their project.And with the announcement of The Avengers, Johansson’s star is set to rise even higher. Like a tall building, or hot air balloon or buzzard or Kestrel. ScarJo plays Natasha Romanoff aka the Black Widow, a pvc clad super agent who works for SHIELD like a kind of handler for all the mental super heroes. FHM is skeptical about this film. The idea of pulling together several story lines from the like of The Hulk and Iron Man, to several heroes who’s individual films haven’t yet come out like Captain America, Thor and Hawkeye, is a difficult one. But if anyone can do it, Buffy the Vampire Slayers Joss Whedon can. He will also be under strict instruction to keep Johansson in her leather cat suit for the majority of the film. Here's a gallery of her last campaign for Mango, y'know, for old times sake.