Miley Cyrus, who’s not old enough to walk into a supermarket and buy a bottle of fizzy plonk, was at a big Asda in Spondon, Derby to sign CDs, DVDs and launch a new clothing line in the store’s George department recently. Cyrus turns 18 at the end of this month, so she’s clearly getting all the boring stuff out of the way before letting lose and celebrating in style like Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan would. Hang on. That’s not right.
Cyrus will have to wait until she’s 21 to get her slurp on in the US. Although she is privy to all those VIP backstage areas where anything goes and she can afford to have a house party that'd finish off Keith Richards. Who are we kidding? Have you seen this girl’s music videos?
What do you say to that, eh? If you’re sensible, you’ll just nod and say whatever her mum says to that, because her mum knows best. Or maybe the Hannah Montana star knows best, because she’s got about 50 million quid in the bank and a tattoo under her left tit that says, ‘Just Breathe’. So pure. You can’t argue with zen like that, not when it’s brought her such power. This is Miley Cyrus inciting a media uproar by flashing a combination of tattoo and sideboob at the MTV Europe Music Awards:
See what she did? She doesn’t turn 18 until November 23 yet she’s winking at cameras on the red carpet going, ‘Get your big telephoto lens out boys, because on the left hand side of my body, right underneath you know what, is a tattoo. If you can get a photo of that, you won’t have to work again for a month. Oh look, my hair’s is the way. Bummer.’ She used to work for Disney, you know.
The Pride of Britain Awards. The one night of the year where jingoism is embraced instead of derided. A night where we can sing the national anthem with unrelenting fervour and not be denounced as a BNP member. And a night where modern, real-life heroes congregate to be congratulated by celebrities whose biggest challenge in life was overcoming a scuffle with a paparazzo and escaping with three nails partially broken. Hey, it took a month for them to grow back, alright?
Right. We think a head count is in order. So far, we've got Cheryl Cole, Nicola Roberts, Kimberley Walsh and Sarah Harding. Now, don't tell us, but we think somebody's missing. Is it Gwen Stefani? No, it can't be. Wrong image. What about Rachel Stevens? What? She doesn't sing anymore? Well, that's a shame. Alright, we give up.
Oh, it's Nadine Coyle. How could we possibly forget? Well, things haven't been going that swimmingly recently, if rumours are to be believed. Which they almost always are. After her bid to launch a solo career went a bit awry this weekend with her new single 'Insatiable' entering at No.26 in the charts, it's understandable that Nadine perhaps needs some space to review the situation. So she's taken herself off to her native isle instead for some homely Irish stew. And an album signing.
There is something rather tragic about seeing such disunity amongst a group of such lovely ladies. So here's our attempt to forge a reconciliation. Girls, you're all beautiful (unequivocally), talented (mostly), and experts in quantum theory (none). So what is there to argue about? Settle your trivial differences for us. After all, you are the true embodiment of the 21st century British heroine. With Tracey Emin coming a close second. Don't let the Girl Power phenomenon slide back to the dark ages. You, as modern-day suffragettes, have a duty to womanhood. So kiss each other passionately and make up. But make sure we're there to see that you're doing it properly.
She dominated at Sunday night's MTV Europe Awards, picking up gongs for 'Best Female', 'Best Pop Act' and 'Best Song'. Currently on tour in Budapest, she could not attend the awards ceremony, but apparently had thank-you speeches ready for every award, 'Best Male' included. When Justin Bieber was announced as winner, she was overheard sneering that she's more of a man than he'll ever be. Well, that's not difficult. A barbie doll has got more testosterone than Justin. But he's only young. Give him a break. Some people are late developers. We only stopped playing with Teddy at twenty, and that was only when he was prised out of our hands on the promise that we'd be getting the whole Teletubbies set. We got a Furby instead. How we tried to love it. But after irreconcilable differences and an accidental knock to the head we were forced to take it to Dignitas.
